Stepmoms often feel left out of the close family circle that’s existed since the beginning. We entered the picture late in the game, causing us to sometimes feel like outsiders. Here’s one story of mine that shows the complicated feelings that come with this role of stepmom.
So Much Insight!
When I got home from a long day of work at around 8:30PM, I saw the flashing light on the phone machine. I checked the messages to find one from Jessie, letting me know that she needed to arrange a plan to work with two girls from her class at our house the following day. She said, “Dad, call me and I will give you the “deets.” Well, it was almost 9:00PM and I’m not Dad, but I called her at her mom’s house to get these “deets” she was talking about. No one answered. I left a message, but no one called back. Another message on the machine was from one of the dads of the other girls. So, I called him back. He answered, I apologized for the late hour, but told him this was the first I was hearing about this get together. He wasn’t sure what transpired with the other family, but we tentatively scheduled for the girls to come to my house at 4:00PM the next day.
When my husband got home, he told me that he had four missed calls and messages on his cell phone. Of course, he did. He can’t have his cell at work; it has to stay off. Apparently, Jessie’s stepdad gave the other dads and moms Brian’s cell phone number, not knowing it had to stay off during the work day. Jess said that she and her mom were mad when they found out what he did. Okay, fine, but why at that time didn’t they fix the situation and give the families my number? I’ve told the kids that I have my cell on 24/7. I get texts, emails, calls all day, every day. Why didn’t anyone call me?
When I woke the next morning, there was a call from one of the moms saying that since they couldn’t reach either me or Brian, they had made other arrangements for their girls, and they were sorry that Jessie wasn’t going to be included. I was all ready to tell Jess when she got home from school that she would have been able to work with her group if only she had thought to give MY number to these parents. Seriously, how long have we been at this for her to not think to call me? I have told both kids this for years: I am the one reachable during the day, not their father!
By my reaction to this, it soon became obvious to me that what I was really upset about was being left out- again. My feelings were hurt. I wanted to scream, “Notice me! I matter!” I felt unimportant- the lament of the stepmom.
I was fuming about this all morning, alternating between being hurt and being mad. Then that afternoon, when I was out with a friend, I noticed all these missed calls and messages on my cell from numbers I didn’t recognize. It was the moms of the girls in Jessie’s group. They wanted Jess to be involved and wanted to work out the specifics of where and when they would work. One mom said they would meet at her house, the other said they would work at her house. Both wanted me to call to confirm Jessie could be there.
How annoying this was! I was out shopping and lunching with a friend. Now, I had to call both moms back to work through all of the details of the girls’ get together. We figured it out, which meant I had to cut my day short so I could get home in time to take Jessie over to one of the girl’s home, and I had to call my husband to make sure he could pick her up. What an intrusion on my day!
Apparently, there was no winning for me. I had to laugh at myself over this one. I started with, “Include me! I matter! I want to be involved!”, then ended up with, “Oh man! What a bother!” Being a “mom” is tricky business for someone who hasn’t been doing it from the start. I guess it’s a learning curve for everyone involved, including me.